Saturday, April 2, 2016

"Mightier than the Sword"



        “Ay, children, your father’s home,” Angelina called cheerily. “Get yourselves clean; supper's almost ready.” She knew they didn’t hear anything but  “Fathers home."
        Braderick Shakespeare entered, as always, draped with kids, the seven of his own and those from the local shire, who knew of his tales. They came to be transported on a journey and then brought home again.
        There were the Montague twins, with their perpetual rivals the Capulets, and little Maggie Thatcher, who was more like a boy than any of the others. Brad was sure she would be a blacksmith’s apprentice, before too many years. There was that McCartney kid, with his lute, and ever-needing a haircut, and the boy with the funny scar, and the owl. There were the moppets and rug-rats and urchins and that one lad who always asked for "more, please?". Never far behind, ‘special’ little Mowgli, acting like a bear. "His parents must be related," Brad thought with amusement. But he had his own favorite, his youngest, Vivienne. She could not be enthralled as easily as the others. In fact she usually spent the boys story-time, playing with her imaginary friend, Rose.
        Vivienne insisted that poor Rose had an unusual odor.
        He regaled them all at dinner with the story of "Caliburn", the druid sword. How it was taken from Elton John, their high priest, for the rituals of the ever-present horsemen. He told them of how the Captain of the Guard, had secretly charged his mentor, the renowned smith, Yorick, to embed this famous sword upright in a stone. He described the sacred rites necessary to pass to man-hood, and the subsequent battles that man-hood required.
        These were not stories of fiction that enraptured his charges and even interested his wife. These were true accounts of recent events, told with flair, and panache, but true nonetheless. His work as a blacksmith's apprentice allowed much contact with the heavy cavalry of Aurelius Ambrosius. These mounted armies of the Roman occupation remained after the Roman withdrawal almost twenty years earlier. Now, Ambrosius is the military leader of these scattered Celtic tribes, and not well liked.
        But the telling of that story is for a different audience. It is Brad’s own secret aptitude to deliver the children to another world.
        He looked forward to his most difficult task.
        As the sun sank beneath the horizon, the lads, spent from a day's rambunctiousness, drifted euphorically to dream of knights and swords and cavalry and rituals. Boys were easy.
        He entered the lass's room, she was having tea with Rose. Brad smiled, remembering how Angelina had introduced Vivienne to Rose in order to cover her own lapse of wind.
        If only we had given her any other name. Brad thought.
         “Ah, my beautiful little Vivienne, what tale of love and chivalry shall I tell you tonight?” Brad had resolved to out-do himself.   
        But Vivienne asked instead, “Where did the moon come from?”
        He was taken a little off guard; it was far from the usual "princess theme" she requested regularly. But Brad was a trooper.
        “Well,...” He started. “Long ago, the sun was a friendly giant. He gazed benevolently down upon the fields, to help the farmers grow their crops and upon the homes to warm the people of the Earth. Every day from sun-up to sun-set, he happily went about his work.
“Then on a day that would change everything, the sun saw a girl. She was just doing an ordinary task, fetching water from the local well. But the sun was mesmerized. It was her walk, as if there were a dance of joy, trying to escape. Or maybe, it was the lilting song she sang to herself, calling to the heavens with a chorus of angels and falling back to land gracefully as if perfection were drawing water from a well.
        “She was the most beautiful girl that had ever lived and the sun fell in love with her immediately.” Brad was rolling.
        But Vivienne interrupted him. “Father, what does that have to do with the moon?” she asked. ‘Oh, yeah,’ he thought, irritated by the intrusion. It was hard to keep a spontaneous flow.
        “Well, darling, when the sun sent his envoy, Cyranno, to win the favor of the girl's parents, and ask her hand in marriage, the father refused."
        “Yet, the sun was not going to give up,” Brad continued
        “He sent gifts, of bounty, by the cart-load, and the poetry of a tree by the forest. He sent flowers, growing at the girls every step, and their fragrances wafting upon all the winds of the world.”
        “Why, then, did the father refuse?” she asked. Brad knew she was hooked.
        “He feared that the girl would be burned up.” An audible gasp escaped little Vivienne’s lips as she realized the girl's peril.
        “So he had no choice, but to refuse his daughter to the sun. Still, the sun had to have her. And he was getting angry.
        “Approaching their home menacingly, he burnt their roof and their fields. The father still refused. He evaporated their stream, and their cattle died. The father still refused. It was not until the sun stopped the rain, that the father made a plan.
        "He forged a great weapon, the sword Excalibur. The steel, a shining monolith, sang to the eyes of its own violence. A brilliant brace of ‘Chimera’ seemed to breathe the blade into existence, each time it was unsheathed."
        “With it, the desperate father hoped to kill the sun and save his daughter.”
        “Did the father have a name?” she asked, entranced by his bravery.
        “Yes, dear, his name was Benny Hill." The deepest somber tone reverberated through these words.
        “The day of battle arose, and the two faced each other on the fields of Vortigern,” Vie's eyes lit at the name. It was a local knoll, familiar to every child, where the winter festival was held every year, celebrating the solstice with presents and decorated trees.
“That’s in the next county, Father.”
        "Yes, dear, it was very close to here," he resumed. “The sun heated the field and scorched this valiant father, wounding him deeply. But the sword repelled the worst of it. The father swung mightily in return, and struck the sun. This made the giant retreat, feigning a mortality that was just not true. But the father, sensing victory, hurled the sword at the sun with all his power.” Brad paused for the effect… It came quickly.
        “What happened?” her voice was almost frantic.
        He smiled at her. “Aren’t you sleepy, child?  We can finish this tomorrow.”
        She could barely contain her excitement. “What about the sun?” her little feet braced subconsciously for a leap.
        “First the sword, Vie. Where was I? Ahh yes, flying through the air.
        “This courageous father hurled ’Excalibur’ at the fleeing giant, piercing his heart and plunging through to the other side. It landed business end down, stuck tight, a third of the way to its hilt. Forever, this skein would be known as ‘The Sword in the Stone’.”
        “What happened? Did the sun die?”
        “No, my dear.” He settled in again.
        “The sun gazed down for a moment knowing the effect it would have, as this wounded father realized slowly, that his sword could not hurt the sun.
        "The father died.
        “The girl ran, and the sun reached out to grab her, but missed. She ran across all the land, until she found a hiding place.
        “The sun began to search. But, he could not find her. He searched every inch of the Earth, and every inch of the seas. He searched the hills and valleys. He searched into the future, and into the past. But still he could not find her.
        “She was hiding in the nighttime.
        “Did the girl have a name?” An effect of Brad's vibrant style was to enlist the empathy of his listeners. Apparently, girls were easy too.
        “Of course, my dear, her name was Juliette. Each morning, the birds would warn her. “Hark, what light upon yon horizon breaks, it is the East, Juliette, and here comes the sun.” She would make her escape deeper into the night.
        "But, the sun had a friend in the night sky. A friend, who had told him of the most beautiful girl in the world, told the sun about her smile that lit the darkness. And her hair that sat perfectly around a countenance of inspired divinity." The talented storyteller was beginning to formulate the crescendo of this libretto.
“Please Father, …?” she stopped at his glare.
        “ Methinks thou doth protest too much,” Brad felt a little pity for the boy that would eventually end up with her.
        “The sun, Vie,... still wanted the girl. So he devised a way to search for her in the night. He divided his own light. He sent part of his own brilliance into the night sky to look for her.”
        “You mean the moon is a lesser sun?” A fair question.
        “Yes, but not to feed the field. Not to warm the habits of men. But to find the most beautiful girl in the world. “ …and to prove his story.
        “You can see the moon turn its gaze from the left to the right and back again, searching, always searching. It takes a month to cover the whole Earth."
        “What happened to the girl? Did the moon get her? Did the…”
        Brad lifted a hand to quiet the questions.
        “Juliette was despairing.” He was sure a sadness would accentuate this tale.
        “Where could she hide that neither the sun, nor moon could find her?” he intoned, a morbid sense of foreboding in his voice.
        "It was a time, before the wizard, Merlin, whispered on the winds, that she could hide in the lake.”
        “You mean Merlin from London-town beyond the Sherwood forests, Father?” Another familiar name, Merlin and his life-partner were famous for their trained white tigers.
        “Yes, dear," Brad was coming to his ending.
        “The girl departed to the lake immediately, but was met by Merlin, at the stone that held her father's sword." Brad knew any other man would represent danger to a young woman alone. But it was common knowledge that with Merlin, this was not the case.
        “He touched her as a spirit and bid her, “Fret not."
        “This sword shall call a hero to win the land under one rule,” he prophesied, “and when he is done with the conquering of this world, he shall return the sword to you, that you may have peace.”
        “…and he vanished into mist. Juliette blessed her father, and thanked the gods for her eventual peace and entered the lake, not to return until her champion comes.”
        “Okay, then. There is a lady in the lake,” The precocious girl that she was, Brad’s daughter was a little confused. “Where is this sword?”
        “That is something you’ll have to wait for.” He knew that the sword, Caliburn, would be complete in a fortnight. Vivienne's first sight of it would inspire tonight's magic to greater heights.
        “But now,” he continued, “the sun cannot scorch the Earth. He can only 'pinken' the unwary. His strength is forever divided, searching for the girl that cannot be found. We celebrate his weakness in December.” She smiled at the thought of the presents and treats and the festival to come.
        Brad kissed his girl and stood.
        Turning toward the door, he saw all of the kids, sitting and lying in various states of alertness, strewn across the entrance way and the hall beyond.
        He was already crafting another story.
        Perhaps a piper.

8 comments:

  1. This was really confusing and hard to read. There is some known characters from other published content here, and it doesnt make it original. Try spending your writing making original content and make it a bit more structured.

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  2. What is this utter nonsense about? The entire "story" simply looks like a bunch of words being put together. And why on earth half of the passage are names, is this a freaking Hall of Fame or what? Speaking of names, I don't understand why are you being lazy to a point you just use names from elsewhere, at least use a generator to give you names, come on!

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  3. I couldn't get past the names of all the kids. Also, making Margaret Thatcher, "The Iron Lady", into a blacksmith's apprentice, is hardly a subtle leap. There's nothing wrong with basing characters off of real people. Next time, though, perhaps try to mix a few people together and see how their personalities blend. And please, please, just find a name generator if you don't want to focus on creating names of your own.

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  4. PART 1:
    Dearest Philo Ant,
    I hope my comment finds you well.
    Those two lines were a more enticing hook than the entire first half of your piece, proven by the fact that while you are still reading this comment most of your readers have already given up on reading the rest of your piece. What’s wrong with your piece? I think it would be a more efficient use of my time to try and find one thing that isn’t wrong with it but given that I don’t enjoy lying to myself like you must do when you call yourself a writer, I’m going to do my best to answer the question.
    From start to finish your piece lacks originality. Everything from the names of your characters and the few traits they possess to the lore and stories you present is stolen and forced together in what can only be described as a soulless compilation of unnecessary cameos, unfinished quotations, and hideous run on sentences that lead nowhere. You are a thief not a writer, you read iconic pieces of literature and then you copied pieces of them that were good into your work as if they could somehow carry your sh***y piece to their level. If you knew anything about writing you would know that you can’t just decide a character is meaningful, they need to have development and purpose otherwise there is no point to them even existing as anything more than a background prop. The boring Asian girl from the new Star Wars movies has more depth than all of your characters combined and she’s so underdeveloped that I can’t even be bothered to remember her name. I also wouldn’t be surprised if you decided to add her in as a cameo to your piece, at least then you would be stealing content that’s remotely as garbage as the writing you’re forcing it into. Your characters are sh*t, and the reader has no reason to care about them at all in fact the readers of your piece are most likely begging you to stop bringing in more cameo characters after the third or fourth one pops in without any development. If a boulder were to drop from the sky and kill every one of “your” characters I would not care and in truth it would probably be an improvement to the story.
    Speaking of improvements to the story, pick a f***ing direction. If all you wanted to do was tell alternate versions of iconic pieces of folklore, you don’t need to create a bunch of unnecessary characters to tell the story to a bunch of other unnecessary characters. You can instead just write the alternate versions of the folklore and have that be your storybook. That said I can see why you had to create characters to tell and listen to the stories for you, because it’s the only way you can hope to get away with the terrible butchering of other people’s good writing and it sure as hell is the only way you will ever get an audience to sit through an entire one of your stories. If you need to understand why that is, just take a moment to appreciate how this comment has better structure and more direction than your entire piece and I wrote it while getting cross faded on weed and absinthe.

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  5. PART 2:
    The plot of your story is basically: gather round kids you need to listen to the tale of a man saying gather round kids listen to my tales of adventure. Everything else falls through the cracks and gets torn apart by a combination of your inability to English and your impulsive need to constantly force more lazy cameos into the piece without any setup or justification for doing so. Just to test it out I had a friend of mine who is learning English try to read your writing and his response was along the lines of “is this actually English or are you screwing with me?”. Sadly, I had to tell him that it was actual English. I can tell that during your writing process you were looking up words in a thesaurus to inject them where you thought they made it look better, much like a 3 yr old playing with Legos. Having big names as your characters in your story doesn’t make your characters meaningful and having big words in your writing doesn’t make it better, especially when the words are not used correctly which is repeatedly the case in your writing. All of this is supposed to lead into that “possibly a piper” big reveal/cliffhanger ending that hints at possibly a continuation or more in the future. Unfortunately, if any of your readers have made it this far the only cliffhanger ending they want, is the kind they can jump off of so they don’t have to read whatever god awful butchered mess you make next involving a piper. Honestly, I’ve seen better start to finish stories with more plot development, better characters, stronger language, and far better endings in books that teach 2 yr olds their ABC’s.
    All that said, I do have to give credit to you for taking the time to make this piece and post it online for everyone to see and comment on. My mates and I had a lot of good laughs reading through it so I guess in a small way there was something positive to be gained out of it all. Plus now you know that your story is garbage before you waste any more of your time trying to get it published or developed any further and you also gained the valuable knowledge that you really shouldn’t quit your day job because lets face it you’re a terrible writer and there’s no future for you in writing. This piece is bad and you should feel bad for writing it and presenting it in any way as if it were good, you have insulted all of the great writers, names, and icons which you stole from to create this pile of cr*p, and you should never write again unless its to issue a formal apology to those people who’s hard work you have drug through the sand with your lazy and stupid attempt at literature or to apologize to those unfortunate enough to have wasted their time reading this disgusting work.
    So long and thanks for all the fish!
    -An actual writer
    PS: take notes, that’s how you insert an appropriate cameo

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. A protip for you mate:
    Don't confuse the reader when he doesn't need to be confused.

    Adding big and complicated words doesn't make your text any better.

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  8. ur mom gay

    also i agree to the other comments

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